Tired of getting along with your husband or wife? Feeling frisky and mean, like you wanna start a knock-down, drag-out? Try wallpapering with your spouse—it’s a no-brainer.
There are, of course, some basic rules that must be followed to ensure the occurrence of such a fight. Here are a few I’ve found to be very helpful, to which my own husband will faithfully attest.
1. Never, and I repeat never, try to hang paper with a well-rested spouse. Only attempt the job if your husband/wife has had no more than three hours sleep in the previous three-day period. Do not skip this rule; it is vital in reaching your goal.
2. Leave the rooms with squared walls for the pros. Only rooms with lopsided, uneven walls will ensure success in your hoped-for shouting match. If you wish to attempt papering squared walls, be prepared for an uneventful afternoon.
3. This is a biggie: Be smart! Choose the darkest, dankest, rainiest day to begin your project. Not only will it dampen your spouse’s spirits, it also as a wonderful bonus makes it twice as difficult in getting the paper to stick to the walls.
4. In a follow-up to number three, if you’re wise enough to have picked a wicked day for your project, it is very helpful to invite at least three or four neighborhood children over to play with your own. As a general rule of thumb, the more obnoxious the child the better, but if your spouse has easy-to-fray nerves, any old child will do.
5. Extremely Important: While helping your mate measure the paper for hanging, it is imperative that you misjudge the length of the paper by at least two inches. This will guarantee a rapid rise in blood pressure, and lead (hopefully!) to a long stream of shouted obscenities.
6. Finally, if you’ve had no luck—if your spouse has yet to grow fangs and become wild-eyed and hysterical, you may need to resort to the old, ‘Uh-Oh. Did you say buy four double rolls or five?’ routine. Hint: If your other-half demands you phone the home store and request an order for another bolt of paper, feel free to go ahead and do so. Just pretend you’ve been told it’s a discontinued pattern, with the last roll having just walked out the door.
If, after following all six rules, your spouse remains calm and collected and has no visible hair clamped between his/her fingers, it is time to concede defeat. The disappointment will be great, and you may feel that all your best efforts have been put forth in vain, but don’t lose heart—there’s always the remodeling of your bathroom to consider.
Next Week: How to Make Your Neighbor Pay Out the Nose for His/Her Dog’s Fertilizer Treatments On Your Own Front Lawn.